


Your Love

by sodoesrachael



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, M/M, Michael Novotny Bashing, Spoilers, What-If, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-29
Updated: 2007-04-13
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:59:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodoesrachael/pseuds/sodoesrachael
Summary: Big changes in Justin's life lead to some big decisions. When all is said and done, is love lost or gained? Based on a challenge and the song "Your Love."Dudes, this was imported from bjfic.net, and it was never finished, fyi. Also, it's an old ass fic and I'm not really a fan of it, as I've written way better stuff historically. So, I'll leave it for now, but it's probably getting deleted soon. This is on livejournal actually, so. It doesn't need to be here also.





	1. Things That I Wanna Say

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: This is my first QaF fic, so please be gentle. This was a challenge, but I have made some changes to it. As you can tell when you read it, I think that Ethan doesn't always have to be a bastard. I also think that Justin should stand up for himself more, so he did. Thanks, and please review. It will make me happy!  


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CHALLENGE by passive_moonlight _(minor changes have been made.)_

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Josie's on a vacation far away  
Come around and talk it over  
So many **things that I wanna say**  
You know I like my girls a little bit older  
I just wanna use your love tonight  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
  
I ain't got many friends left to talk to  
Nowhere to run when I’m in trouble  
You know I'd do anything for you  
Stay the night - but keep it under cover  
  
I just wanna use your love tonight  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
  
Try to stop my hands from shakin'  
Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense  
It's been awhile since we've been all alone  
I can't hide the way I'm feelin'  
  
As you leave me please would you close the door  
and don't forget what I told ya.  
Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong  
Another shoulder to cry upon  
  
I just wanna use your love tonight  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
Yeah  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
I just wanna use your love tonight  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
I just wanna use your love tonight  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
lose your love  
yeah  
lose your love  
I don't wanna lose your love tonight  
 **-Your Love © Midtown from the CD “Punk Goes 80’s”**

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** **

Chapter 1- Things That I Wanna Say

With one last look over at Brian, secretly praying he’d do _something,_ anything, he let Ethan drag him away. _Come_ on _Brian, prove them wrong. Prove_ me _wrong. Show me you feel_ something, Justin thought desperately. But, as usual, Brian didn’t do anything, not for him. Yeah, he took him in, but only because he felt guilty. If Chris Hobbs hadn’t bashed him that night, Justin knew that he wouldn’t have been living with Brian. He had said on more than one occasion that he wanted the blonde out of his life, _Now here’s your chance,_ thought Justin.

He allowed Ethan to pull him out of Babylon before pulling his arm and causing both of them to stop. “Look, Ethan,” he began. “What is it now?” asked Ethan. “Are you going back to him _again_? After he just showed you that he doesn’t care for you?? What the hell is your problem?” Justin sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “I’m _not_ going back to him, not after that.” He said, and pulled his hand away when Ethan grabbed for it again. “But I’m not going with you either. It… it wouldn’t be fair, to either of us. I don’t love you Ethan, and I never will. I love Brian, but seeing as the feeling will never be returned, I need… time, to get over him. And I can’t do that with you. I’m sorry.”

Ethan gave him a little smile. “I guess I can understand, Justin. If you need time, I’ll give it to you. But… we can still be friends, right? You’re an amazing person, Justin, and if Kinney doesn’t see that, that’s his problem. I won’t let you go Justin. And when you’re ready, I’ll be here waiting.” Justin smiled at him. “Of course we can still be friends. And thank you for being so understanding, Ethan. And I’ll let you know when and if I’m ready for something between the two of us.”

“That’s all I ask for,” Ethan told him, leaning over and giving him a quick kiss. “I just needed one more to tide me over,” he told Justin with a grin, earning a laugh. “I’m going to stay with Daphne, so if you ever need anything, just give me a ring,” he said with a smile. “Of course, now I have your permission to hit you up for money.” Justin laughed again. “What money?” They both shared another laugh. “Well, I’m going to go prostrate myself at Daphne’s feet. See ya later.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“Thank you sooo much for letting me stay here, Daph. You are a goddess.” Justin said _again._ “Justin, I love you, but shut the fuck up. You’re my **best friend.** Why wouldn’t I let you stay here? Now shut up, really. I have to study.”

Justin flopped down on Daphne’s bed and stared at the ceiling. He’d been trying to put Brian out of his head all night by thinking of other things, but here in the silence, occasionally broken by the turning of a page or scratching of a pencil, he couldn’t keep the thoughts from coming. 

Brian was **such** an ass. Doing that _right_ in front of him. It was one thing to know that Brian tricked, it was another all together to see it happen. And seeing it made him feel like shit. Like he wasn’t enough. 

He knew, god he knew, that Brian didn’t do relationships, or love. He’d heard it from everyone. All the time. And Michael. With his: “It’s only a matter of time before Brian throws you away. You’re never gonna be anything to him, except the trick who wouldn’t leave. You’re nothing.” They were all sooo nice to him. Not.

And frankly, Justin was sick of it. He was sick of being everyone is this little group’s emotional punching bag, the person they took it out on when something happened, or for any reason, really. He was tired of Michael always putting him down and telling Brian every little thing he did just because he wanted to get in Brian’s pants and never had. 

And he was sick of Brian always being a coward. Everyone always expected the worst from him, and it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair, and yet, he gave it to them. He always lowered himself, made himself look like the bad guy, all because that’s what they expected. He never stood up for himself, never showed them that he was capable of being a nice person. Of course, he did on occasion, but no one ever noticed, and he never made them. Never went out of his way to make them know that he cared.

And then he let them walk all over him. Lindsay always asking for money for Gus, but hardly ever letting Brian see his son, and letting Melanie say whatever she wanted about Brian. And Brian never stopped it either. 

Sure he had money and a good job, but that was it. And know he didn’t have Justin either. Because Justin was sick and tired of it all. Brian had made his choice, and so had he. And, as Brian had once told him, there was no turning back.

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Justin really didn’t want to go to work today. Not with _them_ there. Michael and Debbie and everybody else in the ‘we worship Brian Kinney’ group (okay, so maybe he was just a _little_ bitter). He had no idea how they’d treat him after last night, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be pretty. He hoped they’d just stay out of it, it was _his_ life after all, not theirs. But when had he ever known them to stay out of _anything?_ The answer: never. 

“Hey Daph! Can I borrow your car? I have to get to work!” He stuck his head in her door as she mumbled, “Go ahead.” She was still in bed, her covers bunched up on the floor, her pillow at her feet, and lying half off the bed. He laughed a little, remembering all the times they had shared a bed as kids. He had usually ended up in the blanket’s current position. “Thanks a bunch Daph! I’ll be back at five! Then we should go see a movie or something.” Daphne mumbled something that no one would be able to decipher. “I’ll take that as a yes.” 

He grabbed her keys and ran out to her car. By the time he got to the diner, he was ten minutes late. He ran in and grabbed his apron from behind the counter and tied it on. “You’re late,” Kiki said, coming up beside him. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Daphne broke her only alarm clock by kicking it off of her end table. I think she was dreaming about Jackie Chan or something.” He went over and clocked in. “There you are Justin! I was about to call!” yelled Debbie. “Sorry Deb! Daph broke her alarm clock. I set my phone, but forgot that I had turned down the volume. Thank god I was hungry, or I would’ve never woken up.” Debbie laughed. “Yeah, that stomach of yours could wake up anyone, Sunshine! But wait, you stayed at Daphne’s last night? What about-” 

Justin smiled. “Ethan? We decided, well, I decided that it would be better if we just stayed friends for now. I need some time to get over certain… things.” Debbie just smiled. “I understand, Sunshine. I heard all about what happened last night. Over and over and over. But, unlike some people, I’m not taking sides. I think it’s for the best that it’s over. Neither of you can give the other what he needs.” 

Justin just smiled and what over to take orders. _Yeah,_ he thought, _I can’t give Brian what he needs ‘cause I’m not a heartless shit._ He looked up from taking orders as the bell rang over the door. In walked Michael. _Great. Just great._ Michael sneered at him and sat down. Justin just rolled his eyes and got back to work. “What can I get for you today?” he asked the men sitting at the table. The bigger of the three bent his head to get a view of Justin’s ass and then looked back at him. Justin just smiled. “Sorry, gents, but that is not on the menu. Can I interest you in something that is?” The men ordered and Justin went back to give the order to the cook. On his way back to give table one refills the man that had looked at his ass gave it a real hard pinch. 

Justin jumped a little and turned to glare at the man. He didn’t notice when the bell rang again and Brian walked in. “I already told you that you can’t have that. So if you touch it again, you’ll find out what it’s like to give yourself head. Don’t touch me again.” He finished his journey to table one as Debbie called out, “You tell ‘em Sunshine!” He poured the coffee and then stalked back behind the counter, giving the guy another warning glare. _Joy,_ he thought to himself, _mood swings._

He put the coffee down and flung himself into a seat at the counter, waiting for the ding of the bell to tell him his order was ready. Kiki gave him a sympathetic glance and went to take Michael and Brian’s orders. Deb came over and gave his shoulder a squeeze before sitting down next to him. “Want to talk about it?” she asked. “Not really, there’s nothing to talk about. One minute I was in a great mood and the next I feel like ripping someone head off.” Debbie chuckled. “I gathered that, considering what you told him.” It took Justin a minute to get it. Then he smiled. “Oh. Head. I get it now.” Debbie patted him on the head. “See, I knew I could get a smile out of you yet. Now, get to work, Sunshine, you won’t make anything sitting around,” she told just as the cook rang the bell. 

He walked over to get his order and took it to the table. “Listen, Man,” the guy who pinched him began, “Sorry ‘bout that. I just thought that, well, now that you’re not with Kinney anymore-” 

“You thought I’d let you pinch my ass? Well sorry, pinching my ass isn’t the way to get to me. I’m sure you could have though of something a tad more, tactful to get my attention. I’m not now, nor have I ever been, just a piece of ass. And I don’t take to kindly to people treating me as one.” He heard Mikey snort when he said that and threw a glare in his direction. “Sorry buddy,” the guy said, bring Justin’s attention back to him. “I didn’t know.” Now it was Justin’s turn to snort. “What, that I have better morals than that? Please, spare me,” he said and walked away. 

He was going to take the new customers at table one’s orders when Mikey grabbed his arm. “What the hell do you want?” he asked through gritted teeth. “Well,” Brian started, and Justin had to take a deep breath and then looked at him. He wasn’t scared. “I thought that this was a restaurant, and restaurants usually serve drinks, and I need a refill.” Justin walked calmly behind the counter and returned with the pitcher of water and poured some into Brian’s cup. Just as he was turning away again Mikey grabbed his arm _again._ “What the fuck are you doing here?” he spat. “Well,” Justin began, changing his voice as if he was talking to a three year old. “I believe that _this_ is a restaurant and restaurants have waiters. And oh! Would you look at that,” he pointed to his name tag. “I’m a waiter. Imagine that.” Mikey looked as if he was about to explode. “Now,” he said, pulling his arm away, “I have _work_ to do. Rent doesn’t pay itself.” 

Mikey seemed to recover. “I thought that your little boyfriend would pay for rent. Aren’t you living with him?” Mikey sneered. Justin just laughed. “Unless Daphne has suddenly grown a dick, she’s not my boyfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I don’t have a boyfriend. And here I thought you followed me around to report my actions to some higher power.” At this he looked pointedly at Brian. “It would seem, _Mikey_ , that you are not doing your job. So shut up and let me do mine.” He turned back to the customers. “Sorry ‘bout that. Can I take your order?” He flashed his ‘sunshine’ smile at him. “Honey,” said the first drag queen, “you are too good to be letting that _boy_ talk to you like that. If he bothers you again, just say the word. It’s times like this that heels come in handy.” ‘She’ said. The other two nodded their agreement. “Thank you ladies, I’ll keep that in mind. Now our special today is-”

An hour later, Justin flopped down into a chair behind the bar, taking a swig of the water that Debbie had poured for him. They’d been surprisingly busy today, and he’d been working non-stop since he got here. He vaguely noticed Brian leave and Mikey glaring at him. “Hey Sunshine! Can you take out the garbage?” Debbie called. “Sure Deb!” He went back and grabbed the five bags of trash and took them out to the dumpster. He looked up and saw that Mickey had followed him out. “What the fuck do you want, Michael? You got what you wanted. Brian’s not with me anymore. But I have news for you. You’re _never_ going to get in his pants. Never.” Michael glared at him again. 

“Why the hell are you even here?” he asked again and Justin rolled his eyes, tossing another bag in the dumpster. “No one wants you here anymore, hell, no one ever wanted you here. We just put up with you for Brian’s sake. And after what you did last night you have the nerve to come back? Just get the hell out our lives!” Justin turned and looked at him. “Michael, let me tell you something. You have no fucking right to tell me what to do. It’s my life and it’s my business where I go and what I do. Not yours or anyone else’s. And you only speak for yourself, and guess what? No one cares what you say! You’re pathetic, Michael! You’ve got the maturity level of a twelve year old, if that! You work at the fucking Q-Mart and read comics and are _obsessed_ with someone you will never get, not the way you want. So grow the fuck up Michael. And get a life while you’re at it.”

With that Justin spun on his heal and walked back into the diner. “Yeah well, what do you think you are!? You’re the one who followed him around when he said he didn’t want you! You practically stalked him!” Justin spun around again and got in his face. “And I got him. Many times. So shut the fuck up.” 

Michael flustered for a bit before running into the diner after him. “You know what?! I wish that Brian had never even met you! Or at the very least he should have just left you bleeding on the floor of that car garage!” And suddenly it seemed very quite in Diner, as opposed to earlier when you couldn’t hear yourself think. Now everyone was silent, staring at Michael, open-mouthed, most in horror. The silence was shattered by a glass falling to the floor, breaking into hundreds of tiny pieces. “Fuck!” yelled Justin, bending down to pick up the pieces, his shaking hands getting sliced by the shards. A hand on his back caused him to jump, cutting his hand again.

“Sunshine, honey, why don’t you go home for the day. Kiki and I are fine on our own. You don’t need this honey. And don’t listen to a _fucking_ word my fucking _son_ says. Someone needs to knock him down off his high-horse, and it’s gonna be me!” she yelled in Michael’s direction. Justin stood up, still shaking, and took off his apron, hanging it back up. “Thanks Deb,” Justin said, looking down. Of all the things Michael could have said, he had to bring up _that_ again. _Well, it seems that Brian’s heartless shit training has paid off,_ Justin thought savagely. 

He left just as Deb started cutting into her son, starting with: “You heartless shit! Where did I ever go wrong with you, huh? What possessed you to say such a thing to Sunshine? Jealousy? Well I’ve got news for you-” And he was out the door, in his- Daphne’s car, ready to do some serious planning for the future.

 

 

 


	2. Things That I Wanna Say

  
Author's notes: All mistakes are my own. Reviews are like water, they keep me alive.  


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\-- I ain’t got many friends let to talk to

****

Nowhere to run when I’m in trouble

You know I’d do anything for you

Stay the night but keep it under cover. --

Chapter 2- **Nowhere To Run**

“Fucking shit!” Justin yelled, ripping his hand away from Daphne. “Are you _trying_ to cause me pain?!?” he blew on his hand a little, waving it in an attempt to stop the pain in his hand. Daphne sighed, putting down the tweezers she had been using. “No, I’m not trying to hurt you. What I’m _trying_ to do, if you would stop being a _drama princess_ about it, is get all those lovely little shards of glass out of your hand so that they don’t infect the cuts. Would you rather get sick from whatever heinous disease was on that glass?” Justin just stuck his tongue out at her. “Well, even though you’re only trying to save my life, you could be a little gentler about it. That really hurt,” he pouted at her. He grudgingly sat back down in front of her and held his hand back out so that she could resume painfully extracting each and every little piece of glass.

“So, I can’t believe Michael really said that to you,” Daphne said, trying to distract Justin from the task at hand. From the look on his face, it really did hurt, and maybe she could have been a little nicer to him. They had been sitting here doing this for the better part of an hour, and Justin’s whining about it was really starting to grate on her nerves. It was understandable though. If she was in his place she knew that she would be doing her fair share of whining as well. 

Justin’s face clouded over at the mention of Michael’s remark. “Yeah, I couldn’t believe he said that either. I mean, I’ve always known that he didn’t like me, he thought that I was stealing Brian away from him. That and _he_ wants to be with Brian, as in really together with him. I knew he was jealous… but I never thought he hated me enough to wish me dead.” As Daphne listened to him, she kept thinking of the different ways that she could kill Michael and cause him the most amount of pain possible. Justin had never done anything to Michael to deserve that kind of treatment. From what Justin had told her, Michael had Justin to thank for patching up their, Michael and Brian’s, friendship. Hadn’t he gone out of his way to give Michael that comic book way back when? Yeah, it had been for Brian; Justin had wanted to make Brian happy, but his actions also had a positive outcome for Michael as well. Justin had never done anything to hurt Michael, so why did Michael hate him so much?

She pulled the last piece of glass out of his hand and then wrapped it up in gauze. His hand was yet another reason to kill Michael. Of course, the hand that he had cut up in his shock had been his _right_ hand, aka: his drawing hand. There wouldn’t be any sketches in Justin’s immediate future. Justin looked up and smiled at her, “Thanks Daph,” he told her. “No problem. I mean, what are friends for? Picking tiny slivers of glass out of your hand for an hour after you get into a tiff with your ex-lover’s best friend comes in the job description.” she told him matter of factly. Her statement had the desired result as Justin burst into fits of laughter afterward. “Daph, you are _such_ a freak,” he told her when he was done. “Ah yes,” she said, “but I’m _your_ freak.” Justin draped his arm over her shoulder, “That you are.” 

\------

“The things I do for you Justin,” Daphne stated as she and Justin walked into Woody’s later that evening. “Ah come on Daph. You know you like to sit here and drool with me over all the hot gay guys. Hmmm… maybe I should take you to the backroom one of these days. You know you’d love to see some hot gay action.” Justin said as he wagged his eyebrows suggestively at her. She laughed and gave him a playful push. “Oh you know it.” 

They each grabbed a seat at the bar and Justin waved to the bar tender. “You want anything?” he asked Daphne. ‘Oh no, just water. I’ve class first thing tomorrow. You go ahead though. I’ll be more than happy to throw you over my shoulder and drag you home when you’re too wasted to remember your own name.” Justin glared at her. “Like I would get _that_ drunk.” he stated. “Double,” Justin told the bartender as he came over. “Just a water,” Daphne said when he looked at her. “Well,” Daphne started as the bartender set their drinks in front of them. “You _are_ on the rebound. Now me, being a girl, after a breakup like yours, I would sit at home and eat an entire gallon of ice-cream and then moan and bitch about all the fat calories later. You however,” she continued, “are a young, gay man. You have to watch your figure so that all those other hot gay men out there will want a piece of your nice, shapely ass. So, instead of ice-cream, you should opt for getting drunk off your ass to celebrate being on the market again.” 

Justin just stared. “Wow,” he finally said. “We haven’t been spending much time together lately have we? I had almost forgotten just how much you talk. Without pausing for air.” Daphne giggled. “Yeah well, that’s why we make such a _grrreat_ team. We could both power the entire country, if they could only tap into the energy it takes to talk so much,” she said solemnly. Justin snorted, “Yeah right. There’s no way I talk as much as you. No one could ever achieve that,” she glared at him and Justin decided to change the subject. “So, what class do you have tomorrow morning?” he asked her. “Oh, just Bio. I. It’s a dumb class. I already know all of that stuff from high school. But I have to take it. If you ask me, it’s just a waste of my time and my parents money.” 

“Oh shit. That reminds me. I have to go by the IFA tomorrow and see if my tuition has been paid. I have a feeling that it has been,” Justin said. “Oh. Who do you think paid it?” Daphne asked. “Brian. He and I had a written agreement. He would pay tuition and then when I have the money I pay him back with interest.” Daphne nodded and started to say something but was cut off by another voice- “Why the hell would Brian do anything for you?!” Came Michael’s angry voice. Justin let out a large sigh and dropped his head onto the table. He so did not have the patience for this right now. “Because, Michael, he and I had an agreement, a promise, and Brian Kinney doesn’t break promises, let alone written contracts.” Michael just sneered at him. “Yeah? Well that was before he knew what an insensitive little twat you are-” Justin cut him off, “Michael! Shut the fuck up!” Justin yelled, turning around in his seat to face Michael. “You are going to listen to me because I am NOT going to say this again. **_You_** are an insensitive little asshole who needs to get the _fuck_ out of everyone else’s business. What goes on between Brian and I has **nothing** to do with you or anyone else. I had every right to leave. There were no locks on our door. I was free to leave and so was he. I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and so I left, same as he would have done. Or no, he just would have kicked my ass out on the street. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things to do which, once again, have absolutely **_nothing_** to do with you.” 

And with that Justin grabbed his jacket and stormed past Michael. He saw Ted standing there glaring at him, probably because he had insulted Michael, and Emmett standing behind Ted, the look on his face unsure, like he didn’t know whether or not he should still be friends with Justin. ‘Fine,’ Justin thought. ‘Be a coward. That’s all you all are anyway.’ And Justin rushed out of Woody’s not even noticing who he bumped into in his rush. 

Daphne got up to follow her friend, but first stopped in front of Michael. Before anyone knew what was happening, Michael had a red spot in the shape of Daphne’s hand on his face. “You are _such_ a little shit,” she hissed at him. “And if you ever, _ever_ say anything to him again like you did at the diner, I will hunt you down and you can be sure that you won’t be saying anything to anyone ever again.” She turned to leave, but then paused and turned back around. “What I want to know, though, is what he _ever_ did to you to inspire such hatred? Is it because you’re jealous? Because he’s more of a man than you’ll ever be? Is it because, unlike you, he doesn’t hide who he is? Or is it because he had what you’ll never have? Because you know you won’t. And Michael, because I don’t plan on ever seeing you again, I hope you have a miserable life.” As she left, she saw Brian standing near the front, watching the events unfold. She just glared at him and continued out the door. 

After she was gone Brian came up to where Mikey was and grabbed a seat at the bar. “So, what was that all about?” he asked, gingerly touching the hand print on Michael’s cheek. “You should know better than to piss off an already angry female, Mikey. Has living with your mother taught you nothing?” Michael snorted and collapsed in the seat next to Brian. “So, what _was_ that all about, Michael?” Brian asked him again. Michael just averted his eyes. “It was… nothing.”

\-----

The next day Justin found himself sitting in an office at PIFA. The woman in front of him was checking her files, seeing if his tuition had been paid for yet. “I’m sorry, Mr. Taylor, but it would seem that this semester’s tuition has yet to be paid,” she told him was she done looking at his files. Justin sighed, “Okay. That you ma’am.” He left the office and leaned against the wall. He had hoped that Brian would stick to their agreement and continue paying for his school, contingent on the fact that Justin would eventually pay him back with interest. He thought about calling Brian but decided that it would be better to talk to him in person. He started out for the infamous loft, a bad feeling hanging over him the entire way.

When he got there he thought about buzzing up, but decided that even if Brian was there he might not left him in. So instead he punched in the access code, which was thankfully still the same, and headed up to the loft. He slowly trudged up the stairs, not wanting to alert Brian to his presence by using the loud elevator. He finally got to Brian’s floor and braced himself, then knocked. He heard the sound of someone walking across the floor of the loft and briefly thought about running. But before he would’ve even had a chance the door was sliding open, and there stood Brian, slightly shocked at seeing him, but he covered it quickly. He stood back and allowed Justin in. 

They stood there for a minute awkwardly before Brian cleared his throat and walked back to the couch. “I-uh- I got all your stuff together for you. It’s -uh- over there,” he pointed somewhere behind him and Justin turned to look. Sure enough, all his stuff was there, all piled up and ready to go. “Oh. Well, I don’t have a car or anything-” Brian cut him off. “That’s fine. Come and get it when you need it. So… was there something you wanted?” He picked up the joint he had put down to answer the door and turned to face Justin. His eyes flickered briefly to Justin's gauze covered hand and then back to his face. "I-uh-" Justin put his hand behind his head as he thought of the right way to phrase his question. "I was just wondering if you would- um..." He heard Brian sigh, "Would _what_ Justin?" Justin bit his lip, "If you would stick to the arrangement we had." He blurt out. He heard Brian ask: "Which would be...?" It was Justin's turn to sigh. "The one where you agreed to pay for my schooling and I would pay you back with interest when I got the money." Justin chanced a look at Brian in time to see him run a hand over his face. "I wasn't planning on it," he stated.

"What?" Justin asked, kind of shocked. "We had an agreement. We both signed a piece of fucking paper about it. You know that I have no other way of paying tuition or else I would. You're the only person I know, other than my fucking lame ass shit of a father, who has the kind of money to pay for it. And it's not like I'm just taking it from you. I _will_ pay you back as soon as I have a real job- after college." Brian sighed again. "Yeah, well, I was planning on paying for it when we were together-" Justin cut him off. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," he said, holding his hands up. "Tell me I did not just hear you say 'when we were together.' I have tried, ever since we were together, to get you to admit to being in some semblance of a relationship with me and I could never do it. And now that we are _apart_ you readily admit that we were?!? What kind of fucked up shit is that?!?!" Justin was angry. "Justin..." Brian began. 

"No! Don't 'Justin' me. Why is it that you only say that when we are _not_ together. This is fucked up. I fucking left because you wouldn't say something like that. I fucking left you, Brian. Well, it was that and the tricking." he held up a hand to stop Brian from speaking. "Yes, I'm fully aware that we had an 'open' relationship. But Brian, I'm not you. Nor will I ever be you. I don't like tricking every night. And there are some nights when I would just like to stay in. But then I get home and you're fucking some random guy on the couch, or worse, our bed. And then I couldn't sleep at night. Just thinking about the fact that you were with some other guy there, in the very spot where I had to lay at night. It fucking sucked to see you doing that, Brian! But you didn't care. You never cared about how I felt when it came to that. It was _always_ about you. You being Brian-fucking-Kinney, being able to do whatever and whoever you want, with nothing to tie you down. Well guess what, Brian? You don't have to worry about that anymore. Because I'm leaving. For good this time. I made the mistake of thinking that we could act like adults about this, but I was wrong. And could you thank Mikey for me? I mean, he did play a monumental part in all of this. And he got what he wanted. I'm gone." 

Justin turned around and went to grab his stuff, not caring that he had nowhere to put it. Brian ran a hand over his face again, trying to digest all that Justin had told him. He was right. He hadn't talked to Justin about it, well, anything really. They didn't communicate enough. And that had been mostly his fault. He saw Justin struggling with all his stuff, tears pouring down his face, and Brian felt a little piece of his heart break. 'It's for the best,' he told himself. "Justin... let me help you with this stuff." he said. "No!" Justin yelled. "Just leave me the fuck alone Brian. I don't need your help. So just get the fuck away from me." Brian sighed and went back and dropped onto the couch. He heard Justin finally get all of his stuff together and then leave, slamming the door behind him. He felt the lone tear make it's way down his face and felt another piece of his heart break as he heard the elevator go down, taking Justin out of his life again. "It's for the best," he whispered to himself. "He's better off without me."

Down on the street Justin made up his mind. He pulled out his cell phone and quickly dialed a number. "Hey dad? It's me, Justin. Listen, could you come and get me? I need to talk to you. Thanks."


	3. Vacation Far Away

  
Author's notes: The first song, as always, is "Your Love" by the Outfield, the second one is "Over My Head (Cable Car)" by the Fray, the next one is "Beauty in the Breakdown" by The Scene Aesthetic, and the last line is from "Better Open the Door" by Motion City Soundtrack. I don't own any of them, I'm just borrowing.  (What can I say, music is my life.)  


* * *

****

Chapter 3: 

****

* * *

– Josie’s on a **vacation far away,**

come around and talk it over; 

****come around and talk it over;

So many things that I wanna say:

You know I like my girls a little bit older. – 

* * *

"So what do you want to drink, Justin?" 

"Same as you."

"I’ve never seen you drink before."

"That’s because I would always wait until you were out of the house."

Justin and his father were sitting in Craig’s new house, trying to ignore the awkwardness that seemed to float between them. It had been a while, after all.

Justin watched as his father got up to see his latest fling out of the house. Justin thought it was amazing, that his father had the gall to call _his_ lifestyle an abomination, when he had a different woman in his bed every week, even while he was still married to Justin’s mother. It was just pathetic.

"So, Justin, what did you wish to discuss?" Always so formal, even with his own son. That is, when he was insulting him and trying to get him to be someone he could never, ever be. "Well, _father_ , the next semester is starting soon, and after much deliberation," two can play the formal game, "I’ve decided to take you up on your original offer. That is, if it still stands." Craig looked up from his glass and looked at his son. He had to admit, he never thought, after all that had happened, that Justin would be sitting here in his living room having a civil conversation with him. "And what offer was that?"

"To go to Dartmouth."

Craig was glad he hadn’t just taken a drink, for if he had, he would have spit it back out. "What? But- I thought you wanted to go that... _art_ school." He sputtered, still trying to grasp what his son was telling him.

"Yes, I do still want to go there, but I have no way of paying for it. And I’m not about to give up my education just because nobody who has the means to pay for it won’t get their heads out of their asses long enough to let me do what I want to do. I’m going to get a degree, even if I have to peddle my ass, or my art, whichever makes more, on the street."

Well, Craig had always known that Justin had a way with words. And even though he would never admit it, seeing the fire in Justin’s eyes again was refreshing. He had thought that after... what had happened, that Justin would lose that determination that had made him so proud all those years ago. That spark. 

It seemed now, though, that instead of losing that spark, it had became a roaring fire, and that it was now being directed at him. 

"Well," Craig began, "we’ll have to discuss the terms..." but here he was cut off by Justin. "I’ll tell you terms, seeing as it’s my life. I’m going to major in business, yes, but minor in art. I’m never going to be a business man, not like you. Whatever I do with my life will include art, because it’s what makes me happy. I’m _never_ going to be straight. Ever. But I promise that I won’t _‘bring attention to myself’_ because god only knows what would happen if anyone ever found out that _Craig Taylor’s_ son is a homo. And after college, when I have a career and am successful, I’ll pay you back, with interest. There’s no way I’m going to let you dangle this over me for the rest of my life. So what do you say, _dad_?" 

Craig was shocked. His son had never spoken to him like that before, except for that one time when he had threatened to send Justin away. And Craig had slapped him after. Craig was stunned, but secretly happy. His son may be _gay_ , but at least he wasn’t helpless, always depending on someone else. He had been afraid that would happen, before, after Justin had met that Brian character and came out. He knew that Brian Kinney had a lot of money at his disposal, and had feared that he would become Justin’s _sugar daddy_ , and Justin would become some weak, dependent, little fag. 

But it appeared that wasn’t true. From what he had seen, Justin was stronger than ever. And Craig was... proud. He stuck out his right hand for his son to shake. "It would seem we have a deal." 

* * *

_"And suddenly, I’ve become part of your past_ __

I’m becoming part that don’t last

__

I’m losing you 

__

and it’s effortless." 

__

Brian knew the minute that Justin walked into the diner. He felt a change in the air, saw the shift in the atmosphere, but most importantly felt a twist in his gut that could have been regret, but he wasn’t sure. A few moments later, Justin was in his line of sight. 

The whole gang was here this morning: Michael, Emmett, Theodore, Lindsay, Melanie, Vic, even Gus, and of course Deb. Brian wondered what Justin was here for. He watched as the blonde took a seat at the counter and turned so that he was facing them. "Sunshine!" yelled Debbie, spotting him. "I knew that it seemed brighter in here!" She bustled over to him and grabbed him in a hug, then pinched his cheek. Then she just... stopped.

"What’s wrong, Sunshine?" she asked. Brian shifted in his seat so that he could see Justin’s face, and sure enough, he had an almost sad look on his face. Brian instantly became worried, though he didn’t show it. Then he noticed that no one other than Deb had even _greeted_ Justin. They all seemed to be... ignoring him. Brian frowned some more, but then Justin began to speak.

"I had hoped that everyone would be here, so that I wouldn’t have to repeat myself. I , um, I talked to my dad the other day, and -uh- I came to say goodbye." Before he could continue, Deb cut him off with a shriek that Brian’s heart seemed to echo. _Goodbye?_

"What the hell do you mean _Goodbye?_ Where the hell are you going?!" Justin gave a sad smile and hugged her. They broke apart and he smiled a watery smile again. "Thank you, Debbie. For caring for me when it felt like no one did. For loving me like a son. I’ll be forever grateful." Deb grabbed him in a hug again, this one longer. "Never doubt," she told him, loud enough for all of us them to hear, "that you are loved. You’re right, I do love you like a son. And don’t you ever forget it." Justin smiled once more, this one brighter, and turned to address everyone again. "As I said, I spoke with my father the other day. We came to an agreement, of sorts, and I’m leaving tomorrow to attend Dartmouth. Major in business, minor in art. I’ve already checked, and my credits from PIFA will transfer over. After that, I had no idea what I’ll be doing, but I probably won’t come back."

Brian was... Brian didn’t really know what he was feeling. He should have known that something like this would happen. Without him paying for it, who would be able to pay for Justin’s schooling but his asshole father? And being an asshole, there was no way he’d pay for Justin to go to the IFA. So now, Justin was going to Dartmouth, where he most likely couldn’t be himself, and be forced to live out someone else’s dreams. And Brian felt like it was all his fault. And it probably was. Why couldn’t he have just agreed to pay? It’s not like he didn’t have the money, because he had more than enough of that. So why did he say no?

Brian didn’t even know the answer.

This was what he wanted though, wasn’t it? Justin was moving on, and away it seemed, and getting on with his life. He would be better off without Brian, but at what cost? At the cost of his dreams of being an artist? 

Debbie was hugging Justin again, telling him how much she was going to miss him, saying that if he ever needed anything, he was to call her, because if she found out he didn’t, there would be hell to pay. And she told him to call every Sunday that he could, to catch up with her and tell her what he was doing. And Brian saw Justin smiling through all of Debbie’s rant, happy to have someone care enough to go crazy over the fact that he was leaving. 

Like Brian. Only he didn’t show it. Just felt it, just screamed it out in his head, just ripped it out of his heart. Out of his life. 

He would miss the blonde, no matter what himself or anyone else would say. He already did miss Justin, but at least he had the comfort of seeing him every day. Now he wouldn’t even get that. He would miss Justin like hell, he knew. Miss his laugh, miss the way he could read him like a book more than anyone else, miss his smile that could light up a room, miss the twinkling blue eyes, miss... everything and more. His heart already ached thinking about it. 

Justin got up to leave, and everyone gave him half-hearted good-byes, save for Melanie, Vic, and Gus, who really didn’t know that he was saying good-bye, and Michael, who didn’t say good-bye. Brian lifted his eyebrow at everyone, wondering at their attitudes. Justin was _leaving_ , as in for good, and no one could even give him a hug?!? What the hell? He’d have to ask one of them later. 

Brian looked up just as Justin was leaving the diner. Justin turned at the same time, and their eyes met across the diner. They locked eyes, just gazing at each other, before Justin gave Brian a small smile, and was out the door, and his life, for good this time. 

* * *

_"Come on take a step towards me, so you can figure me out_

_I’ve been hoping and praying for a single way, to show you what I’m all about_

_And I know, and I know, this is the only way of pleasing the crowds_

_But when this is over and done with and we walk away there should be no doubt._

_So let’s get a little closer now, and let’s get a little closer now._

_You say, that we’re all tied up and wrapped around in useless_

_states of mind, but at the same time we’re still young._

_We had the time to realize that we were wrong._

_Come on Love run with me, get the hell out of this town_

_so we can get a better feel for each other._

_I’ll take you back to when you remembered how you_

_used to live your life just a little for me._

_Take the time to let it go_

_Step away and watch me grow._

_So let’s get a little closer now, so let’s get a little closer now..."_

"So you’re really leaving." It wasn’t a question, merely a statement, one filled with sadness and longing. Justin looked up at his best friend since, like, forever, and gave her a smile. For being the one moving away, he seemed to be smiling a lot. "Yea, I’m really going," he told her. He was stuffing the rest of his shirts into his suitcase, having already put his pants in. The rest of his clothes were in his other suitcase, along with some of his personal belongings. Everything he was taking was going into his backpack to go with him. 

"So you’re really leaving." It wasn’t a question, merely a statement, one filled with sadness and longing. Justin looked up at his best friend since, like, forever, and gave her a smile. For being the one moving away, he seemed to be smiling a lot. "Yea, I’m really going," he told her. He was stuffing the rest of his shirts into his suitcase, having already put his pants in. The rest of his clothes were in his other suitcase, along with some of his personal belongings. Everything he was taking was going into his backpack to go with him.

His parents, in a rare act of kindness, had _finally_ bought him the car they had always promised him upon graduation. It was a used car, but Justin loved it. It was forest green, which was an odd color for a car, but perfect for Justin. Granted, it wasn’t the new car that his parents had always claimed they would get him, but it was a car and it ran well, which was enough for him. 

Daphne helped him take his stuff outside and into the truck of his car. Then it seemed to really hit him. He was really leaving. Forever. Never to return. He leaned against his car as his breath seemed to leave him with a _whoosh_. "You okay?" Daphne asked, reaching over to steady him. "Yea, it’s just, I guess it just finally hit me, you know? That I’m _really_ leaving. Finally getting out of the Pitts. I mean, I never really imagined staying here for the rest of my life, but still. It’s still...weird." Daphne nodded and just stood there, one hand on his shoulder to steady him, allowing Justin to collect himself. 

"Thanks," he said, grabbing her in a hug a minute later. "I’ll miss you," he whispered in her ear. "You too," she said, "you’d better write, and call, and e-mail, and any other way you can think of to communicate. If you don’t, I’ll have to visit you and I’ll rip your balls off." Justin blanched. "Jeez. I think I’d like to keep those, thank you. Don’t worry, Daph, of course I’ll stay in touch. There’s no way you’re getting rid of me this easily. I’ll just to bug you by phone and on holidays now. I want to hear about any and all hot guys you meet. And Daph, try to go for the straight ones from now on." She laughed and punched him in the arm. "You brat, that was only once. How was I supposed to know he was gay?" 

"Gee Daph, I don’t know, maybe the fact that he was blatantly hitting on _me_?" Earlier that week, before all the drama started, they had been at mall guy hunting, for Daphne of course. Justin had told her she needed to be laid because she was hanging around too many queers and dragged her to the mall. And of course, the one guy she couldn’t take her eyes off of had turned out to be queer. Justin had just laughed and said she was turning into a great fag-hag, setting him up with guys and everything. And she had punched him. Hard. 

"I’ll miss being able to find you all the hot gay guys," Daphne said as they hugged. "Yeah," Justin said, "you’ll just have to become a stalker and take pictures of all the guys you like. Then send them to me and I’ll be able to tell you that they’re all gay." Daphne laughed again and hugged him harder. "So," she said, changing the subject, "have you talked to him?"

Justin knew who ‘him’ was. "No, but I went by last night. He wasn’t there so I left him a note. He’ll call if he wants to talk to me more. If not, whatever." Daphne gave him ‘the look.’ "Daphne, don’t give me that look. I know what he’s doing. He thinks that I’ll be better off without him. And while I don’t agree, per say, I see his point." Daphne gaped. "What do you mean, you ‘see his point?’ You two are perfect for each other!"

"Daph, if we’re perfect for each other now, we’ll be perfect for each other in four years. If I still feel for him like I do now, I’ll come back, and we’ll try it again. But think about it, Daph. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with intimately, all the other guys didn’t matter, only him. He wants me to experience all that the world has to offer. How can I ever know if he’s ‘the one’ if I don’t have anything to compare it with? Him with? I don’t even know if I was in love with him, or rather just the idea of being in love. He was my first, so of course I felt something for him. Was it love? I don’t know. But I’ll find out. 

"I have to know who I am without him. If he’s making me into who I’m turning into. I have to know that if he’s not there, if I’m still the same person. If after everything is said and done, I still love him, and I know that it’s love, then I’ll come back and hope that he still wants me. If not, then we’ll both move on and be better for it. But I have to know. We both do. That’s what I told him in my note, and I’m sure he understands. He let me go for a reason. And I’ll miss him, but he’s right, this is for the best."

Daphne grabbed Justin in a fierce hug. "I understand, Jus, and I think you’re making the right decision. I’ll be here, and I’ll watch him and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, okay? You just worry about you, and finding out who ‘Justin Taylor’ is. But I’ll miss you like the rain misses the dessert. I still can’t believe you’re leaving me."

Justin hugged her and pressed a kiss into her curly, black hair. "Don’t think of it as me leaving. Think of it as... a vacation. Later, always later," he told her, getting into the front seat of his car. "Later," he repeated, and then drove away to meet whatever awaited him.

__

"It’s all uphill from here, at least I hope so." 

* * *


	4. Close the Door

  
Author's notes: This one won’t be to long, it’s more of a filler chapter than anything. The next chapter will be better though, never fear! Sorry for the wait, I’ve been having computer problems. My keyboard on the good computer is broken. :(   


* * *

"As you leave me please would you **close the door**

and don't forget what I told ya.

Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong

Another shoulder to cry upon."

* * *

'God I hate this station,' Justin thought as he fiddled with his radio. He was too far out of Pittsburgh to pick up any of his stations, and finding one was proving hard to do. He had been driving for roughly two hours, and he had about an hour and a half to go. This didn't count food stops, which a "growing boy" such as Justin needed. Justin was feeling mixed feelings about going to Dartmouth. On one hand, he was excited about going: he was going to college in a new place, away from everyone he had known in Pittsburgh. He was starting fresh. On the other hand, he was nervous, he was going to college in a new place, away from everyone he had known in Pittsburgh. 

The most predominant feeling was amazement, though. He was really doing this. And it didn't feel as bad as he had thought it would. He had thought that leaving his friends, family, and his life would have been the hardest thing he had ever done. But it wasn’t. Not even close.

It felt... kinda good actually. Justin decided he could get used to this whole ‘being independent’ thing. When his bladder made itself known, he pulled into a rest stop to relieve himself. Of course, he had to check out the vending machines, and maybe he got a few candy bars and chips. And half an hour later, he just had to stop at a Burger King he saw to stop the monster that lurked inside his stomach. Maybe this would take a little longer than he had originally thought.

* * *

Brian was restless. To be honest, he was always restless these days. He hardly got any sleep, always waking up and thinking Justin were there, only to find that he wasn’t. He had gotten used to sharing his bed with the blonde, and now that he wasn’t there anymore, Brian found it hard to sleep. 

Of course everyone had noticed the dark shadows under his eyes marring his usually flawless skin, and of course the only three people with enough balls to say anything about it were Michael, Cynthia, and Debbie, who said it a tad louder than need be.

“Christ Brian, ever heard of sleep? You looking the walking dead! Just how many guys did you fuck last night!” Ah Deb, ever the subtle one. Brian just sat down next to Michael and didn’t comment on what she had said. “Can I just get a coffee, Deb?” he asked her, sounding a little more tired than he would have liked. “Sure thing, kiddo.”

As Deb went back to grab the coffee pot, Michael decided it was as good as a time as ever to bombard Brian with questions. “Shit Brian, why aren’t you sleeping? Are you okay? Did you get sick? Did you stay up tricking all night? You look like shit!” Brian sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. _Here we go._ “Mikey, geeze, slow down. I’m just fine, I’m not sick, and I didn’t trick last night. I just stayed up late working. Jesus. What’s with the third degree?”

“Sorry, Brian, I’m just worried about you. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Brian smiled. “I know, Mikey.” He took a sip of the coffee Deb had just poured, not even really noticing the temperature. ‘I wonder what Justin is doing right now. Heh, either still driving or stuffing his face at some fast food joint. I wish I had his metabolism. Shit. Why am I constantly thinking about him? I need help...’ 

By the time he was pulled out of his thoughts, Ted and Emmett had joined him and Michael at their booth. Deb came over when she was done with the table she had been waiting and sat down next to Brian. “Shit, without Sunshine things have hectic around here. We’ve been looking for a new busboy, but so far it’s been a no-go. Speaking of Sunshine, does anyone have his cell number? I wanted to call him to make sure he’s alright, but I forgot to have him write it down and I can never remember numbers.”

Brian pulled out his cell without thinking, flipped to Justin’s number, and handed it to Deb. She smiled at him and stood up, walking behind the counter to call Justin. Everyone still at the table looked at Brian in shock. Michael was the first to recover. “You still have that little shit’s phone number? I would have thought you would have deleted it the minute he walked out on you.” Brian gritted his teeth. Emmett was the next to add his two cents. “Yeah, that’s so unlike you, Brian. It’s even a wonder that you had his number in the first place.” Then came Ted. “Ah, is Brian still pining after his _true love_? How cute.”

Brian couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and walked out without a word to his so-called friends. They of all people should’ve understood his feelings for Justin, Michael especially. He wouldn’t have kept the kid around if he didn’t mean something. He wouldn’t have given a damn. And Michael had seen that night, after Justin had been bashed. He had _cried_ for fucks sake! He wouldn’t have waited around to find out if he lived or died if he didn’t ... care about Justin.

_No regrets._

He shook his head and walked to car before anyone followed him out. Then he went to work.

* * *

Justin finally pulled up to Dartmouth 45 minutes after he had estimated. All those food stops had put a damper on his time frame. Just as he was about to get out of the car, his phone shrilled in his pocket. He looked at the display and frowned. It said Brian. Shrugging, he answered it. “Hello?” he asked. “Sunshine!” came Debbie’s equally shrill voice. He inwardly cringed. “Hey Deb, I just pulled up to the school. I was gonna call as soon as I got to my dorm... yes, I’m fine... Well, I stopped a few more times than I had planned... yes, of course I’ll call tomorrow... I’m going to call her when I get to my dorm... of course... Deb, I only left this morning... okay, okay. I miss you too... yes, Debbie... I love you too... okay, bye... yes, goodbye now... Deb! I have to go. Bye.” He hung up the phone before she could say anymore. He felt kind of bad hanging up on her like that, but if he hadn’t, she would never have hung up. _Ever._

He locked up his car and walked up to the admissions office. He had to sign in, get his schedule, his book list, and his dorm assignment. He hoped that his room-mate wasn’t dirty or homophobic. That might prove to be a problem. He took a deep breath, and walked into the rest of his life.

Half an hour later, he walked out with everything he needed. He looked back down at the map they had given him and got back in his car to drive to his new home, at least until he had enough money to get his own place. No way was he staying in a dorm the whole time he was going to Dartmouth. No way in hell.

He pulled up to the student parking lot and put up his parking permit. He decided to wait to get his stuff until he found his room. No sense in dragging his stuff around needlessly. He trudged up the seemingly hundreds of flights of stairs (he hoped there was an elevator somewhere) and finally reached his floor. He walked down the hall staring at every door until he found the one that had a 44D on it. He knocked first and then used his key to let himself in. At first it looked empty, but then he saw the boy sitting on one of the beds. “You must be my room-mate.” he said. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Rick, and that’s with a ‘k’, not a ‘y’, so don’t call me Ricky. I’m a fag, so I hope that’s not a problem.” He held out his hand. “I’m Justin,” he said. “And I hope that wouldn’t be a problem seeing as I’m also a queer.” Rick smiled and they shook hands. _This just keeps getting better._

* * *

Brian was starting to rue the day he made Cynthia his assistant. She wouldn’t stop bugging him about his tiredness, his inability to concentrate, and Justin. That was what he hated most. She kept bringing him up, and Brian was trying to concentrate. 

Thinking about Justin wouldn’t do him any good. Justin was gone, onto newer and better things. And he probably wasn’t coming back. No good in clinging to the past. It would get him nowhere.

He opened his drawer and looked at the pictures he kept there. One was a picture that Justin had drawn of Brian, and the other was a picture of Justin that he had snatched one day when Justin hadn’t been looking. It wasn’t like him, but he didn’t care.

He turned the picture over and got back to work.

_It’s time to move on, Kinney. Remember, no regrets._


	5. Lose Your Love

  
Author's notes:

* * *

In RL news: I'm not the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Damn.

Anyway, here is the long awaited fifth chapter of Your Love. No, I have not forgotten this story, I just had writers block. But the muse is back! Although, seeing as I'm sick with Bronchitis, it may just be hallucinations, but whatever gets the job done.

Fic news: I have a new idea to solve the problem that's been bugging me: the whole Brian not paying for Justin's school. A reviewer mentioned the same thing (that it's OOC) and while I agree, at the time I had no other solution to send Justin to Dartmouth. Now I do, but: 1) I would have to go back and change chapters 3 & 4 and possibly even this chapter, so you'd all have to re-read them 2) It would make Ethan the "bad guy" and bring him into a more prominent position in the fic, whereas now he's only mentioned in the first chapter, and 3) Justin would lose a little bit of his 'spark' in certain places (confrontation btw him and Brian in the loft). So: VOTE on whether it's enough of a problem to change it or leave it as is. I'm fine with either. So REVIEW and tell me what you think.

* * *

"I just wanna use your love tonight,

don't wanna **lose your love** tonight.

Try to stop my hands from shaking,

Something in my mind’s not makin' sense."

* * *

Justin couldn't believe how difficult some of this work was. Well, on second thought, he could. Dartmouth wasn't an _'Ivy League'_ school for nothing. Justin snorted. Maybe 'difficult' was to strong a word for this work. It wasn't so much hard as time consuming. The core classes he'd taken at PIFA weren't nearly this annoying.. The math class had reminded him of his sophomore year. 

It wasn't that he disliked any of the classes. In high school he had always enjoyed the more challenging classes. Daphne had thought he was crazy for enjoying AP Calc. But then he had thought she was crazy for enjoying AP Gov, which he thought to be the most boring class in the world. Who the hell cares about the Government anyway? He spent half that class drawing and still got an A. 

Justin shook his head to clear his thoughts. He should be doing his homework, not remembering the _joys_ that made up his high school education. And whether he wanted to admit it or not, he was kind of enjoying his time here. At least the professors weren't complete pricks like he'd thought they'd be. 

And of course his AP tests were coming in handy. He didn't have to take the first year of American History, World History, Calculus, Government, Economics, English, or Chemistry. He knew there had been a reason he'd had a schedule full of AP classes his senior year. And his junior year.

Right now he was working on his Economics class. Even though it was technically a sophomore class, as it was 202, it was full of freshmen. It had been expected, as the other students here were also the pride and joy of mommy and daddy, getting 5s on their AP tests and having a GPA over 4.0. Like him.

A year ago he never thought that he'd be here, at Dartmouth, doing what his _daddy_ wanted him to do. Of course, he'd changed Craig's plans a bit, but the fact remained that he was here. And not at art school.

His art classes were okay. The professor said that a lot of professionals came and visited the campus and would be giving lectures all the time. _Yipee,_ Justin had thought, _more lectures._ Justin was a more 'hands-on' kind of guy, so lectures were his worst nightmare. But the professors were nice enough and he would get a lot of good experience here. He had already explained to him about his hand problems and they had been totally understading, especially when they found out why.

The teachers for the majority of his core and business classes were totally bland and they just droned on and on and on about the subject, not caring that they were putting their students to sleep instead of teaching them. It all notes and more notes in most of his classes. (At least he had a laptop, so he didn't injure his hands more.)

Justin couldn't stand it.

And of course, having a lot of boring classes meant that his mind was prone to wander, and letting his mind wander meant that his thoughts would always get back to one subject: Brian.

He had thought that it might be easier to NOT think about him since he wasn't in Pittsburgh anymore. He had been wrong. He was constantly thinking about Brian and he missed him like hell. Even while his mind was running through all of the good times they had been through, all of the stellar fucks, and all the little (and sometimes big) ways that Brian had shown him that he cared; Justin knew that he had made the right choice by coming to Dartmouth. 

They both needed to figure out who they were and grow up. Justin needed to know that he could function without Brian always there to fix everything (even if it didn't need fixing) and Brian needed to learn that it was okay to love and miss someone.

They certainly couldn't do that together. They would have crashed and burned again. And again.

* * *

Brian was slipping. His work was suffering, people were calling him insufferable left and right, and he just couldn't seem to do anything right. 

Every blond head he saw made his chest twist painfully and he found himself thinking about _New Hampshire_ of all the fucking places in the world.

And it was all that little shit's fault. 

Justin. God, the name was on his mind every five fucking seconds. Wondering what he was doing, if he was having fun, if he had this same fucking _pain_ all the time that could be called regret, not that Brian knew what that felt like.

Brian would have ranted and raved about Justin doing this just to be vindictive, just to make him hurt, if he hadn't seen the look on his face when he was leaving, seen him look back at Brian one last time, something to remember him by. 

It hurt.

_"I need your grace_

_To remind me_

_To find my own."_

He had never planned this. Had never thought this would be the way things turned out. With someone having enough power over him to hurt him this much. But it was his fault. He could only imagine the kind of suffering Justin went through in those last few months. With him doing his "I'm Brian-Fuckin'-Kinney routine" because he couldn't just admit how much he loved- yes, fucking love- the kid.

Well, he'd admit it now, if Justin were here. 

But as the saying went, too little, too late.

And now he'd lost Justin.

"Cynthia, get me a fucking coffee! And don't fuck it up!" He rubbed his temples. Damn, it was going to a long -fuck- three and a half years.

* * *

"Really? You're sure?" Justin was on the phone with Daphne _again_. They weren't best friends for nothing. "Yes, I'm absolutely, positively positive! He looks like shit! And..." She was making Justin hang on to her every word. "What?!? Daph!!!"

"Jeez, don't get your panties in a bunch, as Debbie would say. Anyway, I was at the diner, talking to Deb, reassuring her yet again that you're fine. And Brian walked in and sat down. He looked miserable, by the way. 

"Anyway, the new waiter, ummm... I think his name or Shane or Shawn or something like that, anyway, he has blond hair, like you. So he walked out of the kitchen, carrying a tray of food, and the glasses were covering his face. And Brian looked up and saw him and you would have thought it was Christmas and someone had just made him king. But then the kid set down the tray and Brian looked like someone had just totaled his 'Vette and it was irreparable. It would have been kind of funny if it wasn't so sad.

"But yeah, he's definitely missing you, big time, Justin. I think he's finally realized how much you mean to him. Funny that it took you leaving for him to figure that out-"

"Daph! God, girl, take a breath every once in a while, will ya? And let me get a word in or two. Shit. He really misses me..."

"Justin. I think you knew he would, which is part of the reason why you left, isn't it?" Daphne bit her lip, once again missing speaking with Justin face-to-face. Justin sighed and she knew he was probably feeling the same. "Yeah, that's part of it. I knew that if I left him but stayed in the Pitts, he'd keep trying to convince himself that he was fine on his own, that he doesn't want or need anyone else. He would have been able to see me all the time and know that I was okay, even check up on me. But know he can't, and he has to face the fact that I mean something to him. But shit, Daph, I don't want him to feel miserable!"

"Justin! You said it yourself, you can't keep living your life for other people! You need to put Justin Taylor-artist, first for right now. I know you left partly for Brian, but mostly for you. So worry about yourself, get yourself an awesome education, and then you can come back and worry about Brian. But he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. He's just coming to terms with everything right now. Missing you goes against everything he ever believed about himself, right? So it's a big deal to him, and his attitude will reflect it for a while. 

"But if you really feel bad about it, you should e-mail him. It's perfect. It's still contact, so that you'll both know that the other cares, but it's not face-to-face or even your voices, so it won't be all that difficult to do. That way, Brian won't self destruct with all his insecurities you know he's bound to have. Perfect solution. I'm a genius."

Justin laughed at that. "Sure you are, Daph. If that's what they call it now. Anyway, I think I will e-mail Brian. You're right, that should work. I just hope he reads it, and even better, replies. You know Brian... But anyway, I've gotta go. Homework and all that shit. Love ya, Daph."

"You too Jus. Oh yeah, before you go, your mom said to call her. You know how mothers are. Anyway, that's all."

"Thanks, Daph. I will. Later."

They disconnected and Justin took a deep breath to steady himself before going to sit at his computer. The one Brian bought for him. He booted it up and then opened his e-mail. The only e-mails he had were those stupid "do you need a home mortgage?" and "click here to talk to our physic!" (yes, spelled wrong) type ads. He deleted all of those and then opened a new message. He typed in Brian's e-mail address and then stared at the blank page. 

_What should I write?_


End file.
